I’m a throw-up my emotions kinda gal. When someone asks me how I am doing, you will get the whole package. I suppose writing this book is about finding balance finally after years of instability. It’s not my intention to or need for everyone around me to fix my problems. However, I think that the sheer amounts of secrets that I have endured have created a weird fear of lies. I’m not saying I am free from lying myself, but I can’t seem just to say, “How am I? oh, I’m good” These are things I must refer back to in therapy! My life has also instilled in me a chronic “wait for the other shoe to drop” kinda feeling. I always feel that good times are temporary, even when they are not. Maybe I am an optimistic cynic.
Forgiveness, as we all know it’s necessary for self-preservation, but getting there is quite the process. The peace I feel due to that final straw moment a few short months ago tells me it was the right choice. I am empathetic, and I work hard not to get railroaded into their perspective when it comes to chronic abuse or repeat offenders. Yet, after these months of peace, I get a voicemail that I still cannot fully digest. The apology was heartfelt, but not the first time for the same reasons. Abandonment is lifelong, and the collateral damage is extensive. The more often it occurs, the more intense the numbness can be.
So who will I choose to be? I believe in peace and need that. Sometimes that means dealing with the emotions of hurting others feelings. I don’t have to be malicious, I just have to heal this open wound.